It’s 0520 and I’m wide awake, sitting here reflecting on my life. The sun is still asleep, but I guess my body had enough rest so it woke me up. Or maybe I woke up because I fell asleep with the lamp on in my room. That could be it. Whatever the reason, I am feeling reflective so decided to write out my emotions.
I’m doing that thing when I begin to question my ability to run a household and take care of my children. Let me rephrase that since they’re big and I’m not concerned about social services needing to intervene. I know that nobody is gonna come in here and try to take my kids; and they’d probably stage an armed intervention if they tried. They’re stubborn fighters..just like both their parents. But seriously, I just wonder if I’ve instilled enough values and healthy habits and practices in them for them to be able to ‘adult’ successfully.
My kids have been my rock over the years. They were my anchors at a time when everything around me was so tumultuous. Just them being present..being themselves, and managing to be ordinary kids —thru the mismanagement of my mood — their laughs, the unfunny jokes they would tell, the smart comments they’d make when we’d run out of food, and I was slow to replenish the pantry because I struggled with social anxieties and isolation from ptsd..all of it. They didn’t really understand it, but they let it be known there was no place they’d rather be than there with me.
…to be continued.